Jokes

[HappyM]

This could be ego-shattering!




Luckily I passed again this year

Your Annual Dementia Test

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.

As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.



1. What do you put in a toaster?












Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.








2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?










Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question.

Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat.

Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.

However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3





3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks

and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks,

what is a green house made from?










Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,'

why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4





4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately, the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land'?












Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop.

If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.



5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales.

In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on .

In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?















Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!







Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.


PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

[HappyM]

> > Subject: The six affairs...very funny
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > ---
> >
> >
> >
> > ---
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The 1st Affair
> >
> >
> > A married man was having an affair
> >
> > with his secretary.
> >
> > One day they went to her place
> >
> > and made love all afternoon.
> >
> > Exhausted, they fell asleep
> >
> > and woke up at 8 PM ..
> >
> > The man hurriedly dressed
> >
> > and told his lover to take his shoes
> >
> > outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
> >
> > He put on his shoes and drove home.
> >
> > 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
> >
> > 'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
> >
> > 'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
> >
> > We had sex all afternoon.'
> >
> > She looked down at his shoes and said:
> >
> > 'You lying bastard!
> >
> > You've been playing golf!'
> >
> > The 2nd Affair
> >
> > A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
> >
> > but always talked about having a son.
> >
> > They decided to try one last time
> >
> > for the son they always wanted.
> >
> > The wife got pregnant
> >
> > and delivered a healthy baby boy.
> >
> > The joyful father rushed to the nursery
> >
> > to see his new son.
> >
> > He was horrified at the ugliest child
> >
> > he had ever seen.
> >
> > He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
> >
> > be the father of this baby.
> >
> > Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
> >
> > Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
> >
> > The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
> >
> > 'Not this time!'
> >
> > The 3rd Affair
> >
> > A mortician was working late one night.
> >
> > He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
> >
> > about to be cremated,
> >
> > and made a startling discovery.
> >
> > Schwartz had the largest private part
> >
> > he had ever seen!
> >
> > 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
> >
> > commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
> >
> > with such an impressive private part.
> >
> > It must be saved for posterity.'
> >
> > So, he removed it,
> >
> > stuffed it into his briefcase,
> >
> > and took it home
> >
> > 'I have something to show
> >
> > you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
> >
> > opening his briefcase.
> >
> > 'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
> >
> > 'Schwartz is dead!'
> >
> > The 4th Affair
> >
> > A woman was in bed with her lover
> >
> > when she heard her husband
> >
> > opening the front door.
> >
> > 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
> >
> > She rubbed baby oil all over him,
> >
> > then dusted him with talcum powder.
> >
> > 'Don't move until I tell you,'
> >
> > she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'
> >
> > 'What's this?' the husband inquired
> >
> > as he entered the room.
> >
> > 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied,
> >
> > 'the Smiths bought one and I liked it
> >
> > so I got one for us, too.'
> >
> > No more was said,
> >
> > not even when they went to bed.
> >
> > Around 2 AM the husband got up,
> >
> > went to the kitchen and returned
> >
> > with a sandwich and a beer.
> >
> > 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
> >
> > I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
> >
> > and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
> >
> > The 5th Affair
> >
> > A man walked into a cafe,
> >
> > went to the bar and ordered a beer.
> >
> > 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
> >
> > 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
> >
> > He glanced at the menu and asked:
> >
> > 'How much for a nice juicy steak
> >
> > and a bottle of wine?'
> >
> > 'A nickel,' the barman replied.
> >
> > 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
> >
> > 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
> >
> > The bartender replied:
> >
> > 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
> >
> > The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
> >
> > with your wife?'
> >
> > The bartender replied:
> >
> > 'The same thing I'm doing
> >
> > to his business down here.'
> > The 6th Affair
> >
> > Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
> >
> > He looked up and said weakly:
> >
> > 'I have something I must confess.'
> >
> > 'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
> >
> > 'No,' he insisted,
> >
> > 'I want to die in peace.
> >
> > I slept with your sister, your best friend,
> >
> > her best friend, and your mother!'
> >
> > 'I know,' she replied,
> >
> > 'now just rest and let the poison work.'

[HappyM]

Roy, you have to smile here buddy.

> > Jeff Gordon fires entire pit crew
> >
> >
> >
> > This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President-elect Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.
> >
> > The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits. However, Gordon got more than he bargained for!
> >
> > At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the Vin number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower

[HappyM]

A Mothers Love

A little boy said to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied, "Don't even go there Barack! From what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!"

[HappyM]

I am not picking on anyone here. GRINS.

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her
Vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses
carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:
'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'

'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'


'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.

'That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit.





He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'

[FISHLANIER]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He

marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent..
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of
your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday
trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of
your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in
her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft
type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.. located above the
garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000
a year."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . You started it!"

[FISHLANIER]

Subject: Guts & balls



There is a medical distinction.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really
know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.
BOTH RESULT IN DEATH.

[IslandBum1]

You know you're a Floridian if....

Socks are only for bowling.

You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.

A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.

Your winter coat is made of denim.

You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.

You're younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.

Anything under 70 degrees is chilly.

You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.

You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.

Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs in 2004-2005.

You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.

You dread love bug season.

You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren't Hurricane Charley o r Hurricane Frances. You know them as Andrew, Charley, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne.

You know what a snowbird is and when they'll leave.

You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.

Down South' means Key West.

Flip-flops are everyday wear. Shoes are for business meetings and church, but you HAVE worn flip flops to church before. (more than once!)

You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.

You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.

A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.

You have a bumper sticker: 'This car climbed Mount Dora', and you know where and what Mt Dora is.

You know the four seasons really are: hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season and summer.

You've hosted a hurricane party.

You can pronounce Okeechobee and Kissimmee.

You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat than have a boat yourself.

You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas and New Years.

You recognize Miami-Dade as 'Northern Cuba'.

[FISHLANIER]

A wealthy Old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in
Africa , taking his faithful, elderly dog named Killer, along for
the company.

One day the old dog starts chasing rabbits and before long,
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard
heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old dog thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some
bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on
the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard
is about to leap, the old dog exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one
delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a
look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old dog nearly had
me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade
it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old dog
sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures
that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that
conniving canine! "

Now, the old dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running,
the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he
hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear,
the old dog says...
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me
another leopard! "


Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome
youth and treachery! Brilliance only comes with age and experience.

[IslandBum1]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[Steamin]

Aint that the truth